I am in the process of moving to Toronto, without Jesse.
I don't know if this news will be surprising to people. I have been increasingly unhappy about living in Ottawa, and have wanted to move to Toronto for years.
For likely as long, Jesse and I have been struggling about how to balance our different needs and expectations around living together and having a romantic relationship.
We're both good people. We both love each other.
In some ways I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for not being able to make this work. How can two people who like each other so much end up in such an emotional stalemate? Why can't we just work harder? Why isn't it enough that we each want the other to be happy?
There are a lot of answers to those questions. The things that make each of us feel safe and secure are impossible for the other. We both feel rejected every day by one of the people we used to feel most love from. We're lost and cold and scared and exhausted. We want to have completely different lives.
But we love each other so much.
Compliments from Jesse fuel me and energize me. Making him laugh or knowing he is proud of me makes me feel like I am floating for days. He is handsome and principled and talented beyond measure. Meeting him changed my life, and I feel so lucky that I did.
We don't know exactly what happens now. We plan to find our way back to a relationship that meets both of our needs.
From my perspective, I hope we don't live in different cities for too long. I can't really handle thinking about going weeks without being able to crawl in Jesse's lap and feel his arms around me and hear him call me kiddo and feel the comfort that always brings me. But obviously there are a lot of factors in play, so even though Jesse does feel in some ways that Toronto is where he needs to be for music, he's not ready to uproot himself just yet.
So starting in August we'll have emails and gchat and phone calls and visits. Our cats will live at just my house. We won't have the same book collection, or mailing address. We won't really be a family the way we have been. Jesse won't have a "spouse" card for my medical benefits.
I hope we will be a different kind of family. Feeling like that is possible is what keeps me from falling apart completely.
I still fall apart a little bit, every single day.
This is all so hard. I feel like we've spent two years having pointless arguments and I regret it so much I feel like my heart is breaking.
I'm going to live in a small one-bedroom basement apartment at Bathurst and St. Clair. I will make it my own and live by myself and figure out who I am, what parts about who I am that I don't like, and how to change them.
I plan to spend a lot of time in parks. I also want to spend more time with friends, and in my body.
I expect to spend a lot of time feeling so much grief I think I might drown in it. I am trying to brace myself against that.
I'm also going to put energy into reconnecting with Jesse as much as we can. I want him to feel how much I love him. And like him. I want to be able to feel how much he loves me. And likes me. I want us to be best friends. I want to go on tours and to show each other art and to hate the same things and love the same things. I want us to be sounding boards and buoys for each other. I want us to still be some kind of team.
I don't know what that team looks like right now. I am trying to be okay with not knowing. But I'm not really okay at all. I can't really breathe when I think about it.
I want to be able to do better than this.
I will miss being us so much.