Oh my god LJ what are you even doing to me with this.
Very very close to seven years ago today, I had my first real-time conversation with littlegirltoast, whose LJ I'd been so charmed by that I quickly added him on MSN messenger and was delighted to get to talk to.
I can't remember the date exactly, but I know it was four days after I got married. I just can't recall when I actually got married. Did I get married on the 5th and talk to Jesse on the 9th? Or was the 9th my wedding anniversary and I talked to Jesse on the 13th? Should a person know when they got married? Probably. A person should probably also not get a monster crush on someone else four days later.
I have thought about Jesse every day for seven years.
I was in Ottawa last weekend, and we spent as much time together as we could. We went out for dinner and I gave him his birthday present. We hugged a lot. We stood in the cold with our arms around each other's shoulders, sort of stalling and wanting to just be in the same space for longer. He picked me up, even, and commented that most of the ways he'd delight an 8 year old he could also delight me.
This weekend he's playing a show in Halifax for his birthday, and I won't be there.
The last birthday I missed of Jesse's was this one, also a rap show also in Halifax. I was supposed to go but I didn't and then we didn't meet for four months even though we lived four blocks apart because I don't know why.
I wish I'd gone to that rap show so bad.
I wish I was going to this one.
Have you ever listened to the Julia Sweeney autobiographical monologue "Letting Go of God"? In it, she talks about how it was SO hard for her -- even after she'd come to the conclusion that she didn't logically think there was a deity -- to actually stop believing in god. She said it was just too much of a change all at once. So what she'd do was set a timer, and for five minutes at a time, think "There is no god". Then she'd let herself go back to thinking there was. She sort of gradually built up the time until it was comfortable to be an atheist.
That's what I had to do about internalizing that Jesse and I weren't going to live in the same house anymore. It was too much of an overhaul to my reality to do all at once. It was a long process and I fought it every step of the way.
But my reality is overhauled now.
I miss Jesse most when it's about 4pm during the week. When I worked in Niki's office, I'd call home at around that time to tell him I was leaving soonish, and to see what he thought might be a good plan of what to do for dinner. But mostly I'd call because he'd be so silly and funny on the phone. Everything I said was a straight line to a joke, and we'd just enjoy each other and be goofy at each other well past the point where I just could have left the office and gone home. But it was so much fun (UNH) that I never wanted to hang up.
I feel like we take turns being disconsolate about the way things are now. A few weeks ago, Jesse wrote this about how sad it all is. I couldn't really read it all at once, but it didn't make me fall apart completely. But when I hugged him goodbye on my last night in Ottawa, I couldn't stop crying, and he was the more composed one. He said "It's okay. It's just like this now. We have finite time together." It just made me cry harder, but he had to go.
There have been so many times that one of us has been crying and the other one has to go.