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NaNoBloPoMo #2

overdrawn
Tuesday, September 4, 2012 (Posting two entries today, I need to get caught up)
When you are speaking with someone, do you prefer to look them in the eye or talk over the phone?


The bulk of this entry was supposed to be a short preamble to the question about if I like to talk to a person on the phone or in person. The answer is neither, that I prefer to do most of my talking to people online. But in thinking about the way I have used the phone in the past, and use the internet now, I ended up writing a bunch about something else.

A thing about me is that I am very very bad at being alone with myself. It's at crisis-level, really. But a totally mundane completely manageable crisis, because when do I ever have to be alone? I have a smartphone and a laptop. I can have contstant company.

I feel like my internet addiction is actually a solitude aversion. I rarely set aside time to be by myself, and when I do, I usually spend it online. Even if I am trying NOT to be online, I'll look for any reason to go back online quickly "just to check something" because I can't ever have uncertainty about something. Also, if my solitude results in some kind of idea, I have to jump online to immediately share it with someone on gchat or Facebook.

I think this is the crux of the problem, actually. If I am alone, I am getting no feedback, and I am someone who relentlessly seeks out feedback. Not praise or validation, just feedback, both positive and negative. I need it to navigate. I am always trying to make maps and plans in my head to get to where I want to go, and I don't trust my internal compass. So I need someone to act as a mediator and translator between me and the world around me, even if the world around me is what is going on in my head. I need to air everything the second it springs to mind, to make it more real and to help me figure out what it means, by having it reflected back to myself. This makes me interrupt people, and it makes me bad at keeping secrets.

Also when I am alone, there is no one to ask if I am safe.

Here are the two main ways I ask the question "Am I safe":
  1. "What are you thinking?"
  2. "What do you think is going to happen with [insert topical issue]?"
"Am I safe?" also means "Do you love me?" because I feel like if someone loves you, you are safe. Everytime this is proven to be untrue, it send me into a tailspin.

Okay I think I am maybe done with this entry? It's sort of an unresolved mess but I've got a million other things to get to today.

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
grammardog
Sep. 5th, 2012 05:23 pm (UTC)
Here's my feedback... I love this entry and identify with most of it. However, I really like to spend time alone - I just end up spending it on the internet and ultimately always feel that I've wasted my precious alone time.
audrawilliams
Sep. 5th, 2012 05:37 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you!

After a few hours I feel like I have internet-poisoning, and I'm always like "Okay, tomorrow I will take ACTUAL alone-time." But then I don't of course.
grammardog
Sep. 12th, 2012 04:26 pm (UTC)
Story of my life.
grammardog
Sep. 12th, 2012 04:27 pm (UTC)
Today's the Day: The Sara Pellerin Story
audrawilliams
Sep. 21st, 2012 10:47 pm (UTC)
I really want to NOT get internet access in my new apartment. But I bet I do.
scribbles_hb
Sep. 5th, 2012 06:42 pm (UTC)
this entry means we are twins in the alone vs. not alone and need for feedback!
audrawilliams
Sep. 5th, 2012 08:18 pm (UTC)
I can't wait to meet you!!!
vix
Sep. 6th, 2012 01:04 am (UTC)
I find this fascinating --

I don't trust my internal compass

Rhetorical question and one you are under no obligation whatsoever to answer: What would it take to get you to trust your internal compass?
vix
Sep. 6th, 2012 01:04 am (UTC)
Also, I vastly prefer talking to people online myself too. I really miss irc chatting.
audrawilliams
Sep. 6th, 2012 12:57 pm (UTC)
Oh man I have no idea. If I didn't constantly look back at choices I made and found myself unrecognizable.
amaena
Sep. 6th, 2012 01:21 am (UTC)
So I need someone to act as a mediator and translator between me and the world around me, even if the world around me is what is going on in my head. I need to air everything the second it springs to mind, to make it more real and to help me figure out what it means, by having it reflected back to myself. This makes me interrupt people, and it makes me bad at keeping secrets.

Is totally how I feel.

I find that if I have to think through an issue I have a really hard time thinking it through in my head as well.. I need to talk aloud, or if not aloud, at least written out as if it were for an audience (whethere or not the audience will see it). It also means I don't filter myself very often, what I am thinking comes out, and then I go from there.
audrawilliams
Sep. 6th, 2012 12:57 pm (UTC)
It's really reassuring when people say "I relate to this!" It makes me feel less bananas.
kira_lynn
Sep. 6th, 2012 10:50 am (UTC)
i have ideas about this!
love you
audrawilliams
Sep. 6th, 2012 12:57 pm (UTC)
Are they secret?
Love you!
kira_lynn
Sep. 6th, 2012 08:28 pm (UTC)
No, sorry, I just didn't have time before! It was 6am!

I feel you on filling time you meant to be with yourself with going online.
I feel disappointed when this happens, though sometimes (rarely, not as often as I do it) it is nice to just spend a few hours reading random stuff online and clicking links.

This is happening less though. My laptop battery doesn't work, so I move it between my room and living room less.
Also in the nice weather I spend my alone time OUT.

I need the alone time. I need it so badly. I loooove to just be alone and do Kira-things and I am glad that I figured out how into that I am. BUT! I will also get so lonely if this is all I do, or if I feel like I am alone because my friends don't like me. It is a tough weird balance.

Anyway, the thing I originally was thinking about when I commented above was people needing to post online the ideas that come to them during alone time! This is new, and a problem. Like I tell Jesse a joke, so we decide to tweet it.
This entry reminds me that I used to ALWAYS have a notebook and ALWAYS write in it, things no one would read. I should go back to that. I should note my ideas to myself more, not just in disappearing tweets and facebook statuses.
audrawilliams
Sep. 7th, 2012 06:39 pm (UTC)
I agree about the newness! I keep TRYING to start private journalling projects but they seem so POINTLESS. Which I know is crazy!!
littlegirltoast
Sep. 7th, 2012 04:15 pm (UTC)
this is a great post.

I hope you can get some new counseling soon. its been a long time, and even longer since you had anyone good, and you shouldn't just be trying to do this alone (slash with the help of your wonderful but layperson friends).
audrawilliams
Sep. 7th, 2012 06:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you!! I don't even know where to start with finding a new/good counselor. Surely there are some??
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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