When you are speaking with someone, do you prefer to look them in the eye or talk over the phone?
The bulk of this entry was supposed to be a short preamble to the question about if I like to talk to a person on the phone or in person. The answer is neither, that I prefer to do most of my talking to people online. But in thinking about the way I have used the phone in the past, and use the internet now, I ended up writing a bunch about something else.
A thing about me is that I am very very bad at being alone with myself. It's at crisis-level, really. But a totally mundane completely manageable crisis, because when do I ever have to be alone? I have a smartphone and a laptop. I can have contstant company.
I feel like my internet addiction is actually a solitude aversion. I rarely set aside time to be by myself, and when I do, I usually spend it online. Even if I am trying NOT to be online, I'll look for any reason to go back online quickly "just to check something" because I can't ever have uncertainty about something. Also, if my solitude results in some kind of idea, I have to jump online to immediately share it with someone on gchat or Facebook.
I think this is the crux of the problem, actually. If I am alone, I am getting no feedback, and I am someone who relentlessly seeks out feedback. Not praise or validation, just feedback, both positive and negative. I need it to navigate. I am always trying to make maps and plans in my head to get to where I want to go, and I don't trust my internal compass. So I need someone to act as a mediator and translator between me and the world around me, even if the world around me is what is going on in my head. I need to air everything the second it springs to mind, to make it more real and to help me figure out what it means, by having it reflected back to myself. This makes me interrupt people, and it makes me bad at keeping secrets.
Also when I am alone, there is no one to ask if I am safe.
Here are the two main ways I ask the question "Am I safe":
- "What are you thinking?"
- "What do you think is going to happen with [insert topical issue]?"
Okay I think I am maybe done with this entry? It's sort of an unresolved mess but I've got a million other things to get to today.