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Blue like nevermind

I am feeling really exasperated right now that I can't get to a state of permanence. Like, when I finish my dishes I think THANK GOD I AM NOW FINISHED DISHES and when I have a shower I think OKAY GREAT NOW I AM CLEAN but uggggh nothing is permanent.  How can I write a journal entry when nothing is permanent? How can I say how I am doing??

Thinking about general impermanence makes me think of these two passages I read this week:

"Dan's an epiphany junkie. He has epiphanies about himself constantly, but whether or not that changes him for the better, I don't know. Like, he's constantly learning things about himself, but it doesn't make life any easier. He knows he's self-destructive, but that knowledge is just half the battle. The other half would be to stop being self-destructive."
(From God Needs a Hobby)

"Epiphanies are, in some ways, staged and underimportant. But you still don't want to write them off. The fact that there's a brevity to human connection and human empathy—the fact that it goes away—might make you feel that we should not make a big deal that it was there at all. But of course we can't do that. We have to value the moments when a person is everything we'd hope this person would be, or became briefly something even better than she normally is. We need to give those moments the credit they're due."
(From What Flannery O'Connor Got Right: Epiphanies Aren't Permanent)

I know it is not realistic for all progress to be linear, or for things to be able to become constant once they become good. But I sure do daydream about it. 


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 23rd, 2013 12:03 am (UTC)
It's really hard to come to terms with the fact that nothing lasts. Everything is always changing into something else. Sometimes really slowly, and sometimes it happens in an instant. This includes your self, your relationships, the world, life, nature, everything everything everything. I have found this comforting when friendships or relationships have ended. It's just the natural course of things.

It's probably best to train yourself not to daydream about it, and instead enjoy and be thankful for the good things you have while you have them, and be comforted in the fact that the bad things will eventually move on and out.

Edited at 2013-03-23 12:04 am (UTC)
Mar. 23rd, 2013 04:32 am (UTC)
Well, there is something that is permanent. It is change. Will it help to think through how certain processes (like washing dishes and getting a shower) are permanent? As in, hrm, think of it as permanent *processes* rather than permanent *states*? I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well.
Mar. 23rd, 2013 01:22 pm (UTC)
An interesting way to think of it! I am trying to build habits in myself instead of treating each day as a new thing with zillions of decisions about why not automatically dress, eat breakfast and brush teeth in same order instead of putting thought energy into when to do what? So now I think I could use your insight to see habits as permanent regular processes.
Mar. 23rd, 2013 06:39 am (UTC)
i blog because i know that things will change, so i want to post a snapshot of the moment in order to be able to better remember what was going on in the future. especially with my memory issues (yay lorazepam!), it's a way of pinning my present onto the big quilt of my timeline.

i go through phases of being soooooo frustrated with dishes. as in, didn't i just run the dishwasher yesterday? why do i have to empty and refill it and run it AGAIN? and what about that frying pan? i washed it after using it for breakfast this morning, and now i have to wash it again after dinner? WTF? housework and i have a tumultuous relationship, though. i wish it would agree to see other people, because i feel like i'm constantly running uphill in an avalanche to try and keep up.

i'm always afraid of getting stuck in a rut, of stagnation. so i welcome change. but anyhoo, enough about me. thanks for sharing your perspective on this, it was neat to think about!
Mar. 23rd, 2013 09:53 pm (UTC)
I super super feel this, especially with grocery shopping for some reason. I shop, come home, put everything away, and breathe a big sigh of relief. But then when the fridge and cupboards are full, it's like a looming list of what needs to be eaten in a certain period of time, and then any time something is eaten, it goes back on the looming list of things to get next time. It's never done, on either end of having vs. needing.
Mar. 25th, 2013 03:35 am (UTC)
I'm in the dining room and over tired and on the verge of tears because there is laundry to fold and dishes to do and it is almost midnight and I JUST DID DISHES YESTERDAY AND LAUNDRY THE DAY BEFORE THAT.

Edited at 2013-03-25 03:37 am (UTC)
Mar. 26th, 2013 08:00 pm (UTC)
That's a good daydream. This LJ post reminds me of a colleague I had last year who switched over to using paper plates when she felt stressed out. She loved that solution to the persistent chore of dish washing!
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )



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